Meetings start late, without an agenda, and we are surprised. Employees come in late without calling and we are surprised. Colleagues don’t return calls in a timely way, and we are surprised. It’s human to expect employees to do things as we would do them, similar to being raised never go to someone else’s home empty handed. We wouldn’t even conceive of doing something like this, so how could anyone else? We never told people we expected meetings to start on time and have an agenda. We never told our employees to call if they’re going to be late. We never asked our colleagues to return our calls within 24 hours. We shouldn’t have to. They should just know. Well, they don’t.
People don’t do things as we do them, even when we think they should. It’s so simple, so obvious, an “oh duh” statement of sorts, and yet we continue to be surprised when people violate our unstated expectations. And addressing an unstated, unmet expectation after there has been an unknown misstep or error is challenging. We’re furious that person is late; they should know better. We want to say something, but we don’t. At first because we’re too angry and don’t want it to “come out wrong,” and later because it’s just too hard. Speaking honestly and directly makes us uncomfortable. We say we don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable, but the truth is, the inability or unwillingness to confront a violated expectation has nothing to do with the other person’s discomfort and everything to do with our own.
What happens if they cry? What happens if they become defensive? Then what? So we say nothing, because it’s easier….in the moment. We hope the behavior will change, that without our having to say anything employees, colleagues and direct supervisors will get the point and make a shift. But they won’t. They’ll keep doing what they’re doing because for all they know, what they’re doing is working. You haven’t told them anything other than that, so why even consider doing things another way. Waiting for someone to change their behavior without making that request is like waiting for your dog to walk itself. It isn’t going to happen.
This entry is about setting the foundation for business relationships in which you can make requests, give feedback and speak candidly without wishing you brought prescription medication to work. It’s about setting up relationships to deliberately get what both you and the other person wants, rather than maybe, possibly, if the stars align. It’s also about building trust.
People leave managers not jobs. And if you know that, and you’re tired of being at the effect of employee disengagement and turnover, what are you going to do about it?
The Formula
When I hire someone new, start a new initiative, a new team, a new anything, I have an expectation setting conversation. For now, we’ll use on boarding a new employee as the example. When a new employee starts working for me I do the same thing, every time.
Day One – Take them to lunch. Being at a new company is like being at a new school. It’s scary, awkward, and stressful. People wonder, who will I talk to? Who will I have lunch with? How do things work around here? Will I fit in? Take your new employee to lunch and get to know them, as a person. Let them get to know you, as a person. Be human. Again, people leave managers not jobs. And the second greatest reason for employee turnover is not liking the people and the culture at a company. So from day one, begin creating a place in which your new employee will want to work.
Even if you work at a company with a difficult culture, with massive turnover and a terrible reputation in your business community, you can create a department and/or team in which people want to work. It is more difficult, but it is completely doable. As much as you can buffer your employees from the system that doesn’t work and create an environment that mimics what they want, you will create happy, loyal and dedicated employees who stay both with you and the company.
Notice I didn’t say create a fun workplace, or a flexible environment. We assume that’s what employees want and that’s not necessarily the case. In a future blog entry (hint, hint, keep reading each week) I’ll share the process of learning what your employees want, enabling you the opportunity to give it to them, rather than giving them what you think they want, which is most likely based on what you want or on some article you read.
Over lunch, or during my first meeting with my new employee I say this, “As your manager, my job is to help you get where you want to go, whether that is here within the company or elsewhere. As a result, I’m going to ask for your permission to let you know anything I see you do or say that either contributes to where you want to go or gets in the way of that goal. Is that ok with you?” Now, as their manager, I don’t need permission to give them feedback, my title and direct authority gives me that right, and employees know it. But I get something for asking. I start to build trust, a little bit at a time. Because where trust is broken in an instant, it is built over time. So from the first day I interact with my employees – starting during the hiring process – I am building trust. And because all long lasting relationships are built on trust, I am building the foundation for my loyal, committed and long term work force.
By asking to give feedback I give some control over to the employee, and when people feel they have some control, they feel more comfortable. And at that point I give them a list of questions I call “Contracting Questions.” These are a list of questions I created out of my own bad work experiences. Out of having managers who told me that jobs offers were contingent upon living in a certain city, but going nuts when I moved there without their permission. Permission I didn’t know I needed to have. Or managers who called me screaming that they hadn’t met with me in weeks, when they never said they wanted to have regular meetings. Like every relationship, we learn what to do by learning what not to do.
Read next week’s entry to get the “Contracting Questions” and the rest of “The Formula” for establishing long lasting working relationships based on trust, loyalty and commitment.
Shari Harley
Shari leads The Harley Group International, a Denver-based training and development firm focused on helping organizations develop and retain key talent. Shari can be reached at shari@harleygroupllc.com or http://www.shariharley.com
